It's almost 2am!

Holiday blues

I was in Seattle's Best Greenbelt this afternoon with a hundred people around me. There's a special Christmas performance on the stage, with coiffed up opera singers and a 6-piece band. They sing carols of joy and happiness that Christmas brings to everyone. I was sitting alone drinking my latte listening to my iPod instead. I'm not really in the mood to listen to sappy Christmas songs.

That's how much I miss you. I understand that you have to leave for Christmas and we cannot be together, but that doesn't mean that I can stop myself from feeling this way. It's hard enough seeing couples and families all around me looking very happy together; it's harder knowing that I'm going to come home to a cat, a television, and a noisy electric fan. No one to greet me "Hey, dudie! How's your day been?!" and kiss me gently on my lips, and say "I love you". That's what I miss most about you: you're so generous with those three words. Three simple words that take away all this heaviness in me.

You left me a note when you left, and I cried while I was reading it. No one has ever bought me a card with that strong a message on it. You didn't even have to write a personalized message because I already appreciate the effort of finding the perfect card for me. I will keep it with me forever.

I'm not sure if we will be together forever. Life is too unpredictable to tell. But so far I’ve had THE BEST time of my life. I know four years is not a lot in the bigger scheme of things but it’s been the best four years I’ve had in my entire life.

Maybe that’s why it’s hard without you during the holidays. I’ve spent most of my days for the last four years with you. I’ve shared countless moments and recounted limitless stories with you. Sometimes I feel there’s no one else to turn to but you.

I know this love is dangerous. I can’t even imagine the day coming when we have to part ways. Because we will part ways, one way or another. It pains me thinking of that moment.

I need to be honest with my feelings. I can't walk around looking confident and happy, because I am not. And I hate you for that. I hate how you’ve made me feel so self-assured that I don’t feel the need to be assured by others. And when you’re gone my conviction evades me. I feel like I am nothing. There’s this emptiness inside me that no one can fill. Only you. Only on your return, when I look forward to going home with your arms waiting for me.

posted by Rom / Rub according to the barista @ 2:20 AM