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Self-Imagined Diseases

Since we Pinoys are super hyper hypochondriacs, here are a couple of conditions that I think the medical world should look more into.

OBSESSIVE - IMPULSIVE DISORDER. As opposed to obsessive-compulsive (OC) wherein the user (as if may choice) usually obsesses about one thing (for example, the dining setting where everything should be polished) and focuses on it, the OI obsesses in one thing (for example, what Australian phonology and why it's different from other forms of English) but can not focus on one particular subject.

Using Australian phonology as an example, he will seek it out until he finds it boring, probably after looking through the subject on wikipedia for 22 minutes. He then moves on to looking for what phonology is in the first place.

The objective of the OI is to fulfill immediate wants, and not necessarily long-term needs. He is quite feisty and will bite if provoked.


FALSE CELEBRITY DELUSION DISORDER. Redundant as it may seem, it actually exists. Symptoms include: dressing up like a rock star, talking loudly with friends in a coffee shop musing about how important you are to the society, making "intellectual" conversations at the back of the bus and pronouncing that you come from the top university in the Philippines, using heavy words like procreate, masticating, euphoria, abyssmal, and "so much so that", and creating a blog over the World Wide Web to make people know that you actually exist.

This condition is attributed to one of the following:
1. Being the first-born child;
2. Being the bunso;
3. Being a former child beauty pageant winner;
4. Being a former National Spelling/Math/"Battle of the Brains" contestant; and
5. Being fat when you were a kid, and everybody used to ask you to dance ala-Bibbo style.


POST-VACATION DEPRESSION DISORDER. As the name suggests, PVDD is usually experienced after a long, relaxing holiday out of town. This is commonly caused by the setting in of reality that what you've just experienced is not real life; it was an illusion that life is actually good to you.

It sets in when you go back to your old boring job and realize that you're not happy. The disorder targets certain areas of your brain to make you think you are unhappy because you compare your normal life to the 4-day fantastic life you just had. These brain signals cause different symptoms, the most notable of which are: dizziness, cough and cold, death of a relative, LBM, and other such excuses so you can get another day or two off work.

The condition can last any time from 2 days to 6 months, as in my case.

posted by Rom / Rub according to the barista @ 2:51 PM