in a rut
I am such in a rut right now. Actually, I have been for the past 6 months. I have this thing that when I'm expecting a trip or vacation somewhere, I don't commit to anything because it might interfere with my plans. One of my friends call it the "Summer Itch".
Makes sense because viewing my track record, I've been applying for jobs in June (end of summer), and then resign in February (unofficial start of summer, at least for me it is). This doesn't mean that I have a commitment issue with employment; just means that I am committed to holidaying.
Which really should stop. I've been living a 15-year old's life for the past 3 years, which was when I finished college. I want to start living as an adult, someone who knows about responsibilities and how to fulfill them. I'm tired of spending my days going to Glorietta/Greenbelt to look at things that I can't even afford.
I guess I still have a problem realizing that I'm just a normal person, just like everyone else. I tend to think of my life as having a superior importance. It's not narcissism as I know that I'm not THE greatest person; it's just egotism, telling myself that my life is worth living more than most people. But I know I don't think that too much that it blinds me from who I truly am because I envy "normal" cookie cutter people for living normal lives. And by normal, I mean: finishing college, going to look for a job, getting promoted after a few years, getting married, having kids, having grand kids, and dying.
It's just that there are different issues that I consider when looking for a job, and commiting to it, which I'll enumerate:
1. Attendance / punctuality issues: Yup, I'm the constant tard. I once got fired for a job that required me to go to office at 10 AM, which isn't that early. I went to work at 12 NN or 1 PM. Which leads me to the second factor:
2. Efficiency issues: I've always believed that smart work is waaaaayy better that hard work. Meaning, if you can be smarter and look for faster ways to finish a task, then you'll be more efficient, as opposed to trying to do a task how it should usually be done. I go to work at 12 NN because I believed that going to work at 10 AM is a waste of time because I'm not going to do anything anyway. I'll just sit there, tinker with my things, connect to the internet, chat with my friends, upload photos on my friendster, and wait till a customer shows up. And then I can do my work.
3. Socio-political issues: I hate what's happening to this country! It's really hard for me to work, pay taxes, and realize that the government is just putting everything I've worked so hard for into their pockets. Fine, I see a LOT of improvements, but most come from the private sector. I look at old government buildings, puddles in EDSA, wandering taong grasa, choatic electrical wirings on rotting wooden posts, and I wonder where the taxpayers' money go. It's heart-breaking to realize these things are happening to a country that took me 20 years to appreciate. And so, I would have none of it. I'd rather not work than be a contributor to the President's Social Fund.
4. Intra-personal issues: I'm special. I graduated valedictorian in primary school, and I have been an over-achiever in high school. I am better than call center agents and socialite camwhores. Why? Simply because I am who I am. Yeah right. Maybe I'm just insecure because I'm getting old and I still don't have any credit to my name. I've always thought that I'll be a great leader but everytime I walk out of a 500-mile radius from where I was, I suddenly think, "Hey! There's 6 billion people in the world, and all of them have the same capacity as you are, maybe even better. There are people a lot hotter than you, a lot taller, richer, wiser, bigger, smoother, finer, with bigger feet and a better jawline! So stop it with the ME ME ME!!!...
So this is why I am here at home posting an entry at 3:45 PM instead of making life happen. Let's just hope time doesn't run out for me. That I'm 65-year old and I still flip burgers in Burger King. You see, that's my biggest fear i life: FAILURE. I'm too hard on myself sometimes. You see, I have a lot of issues to deal with. They may not be big, but they are my own.
Makes sense because viewing my track record, I've been applying for jobs in June (end of summer), and then resign in February (unofficial start of summer, at least for me it is). This doesn't mean that I have a commitment issue with employment; just means that I am committed to holidaying.
Which really should stop. I've been living a 15-year old's life for the past 3 years, which was when I finished college. I want to start living as an adult, someone who knows about responsibilities and how to fulfill them. I'm tired of spending my days going to Glorietta/Greenbelt to look at things that I can't even afford.
I guess I still have a problem realizing that I'm just a normal person, just like everyone else. I tend to think of my life as having a superior importance. It's not narcissism as I know that I'm not THE greatest person; it's just egotism, telling myself that my life is worth living more than most people. But I know I don't think that too much that it blinds me from who I truly am because I envy "normal" cookie cutter people for living normal lives. And by normal, I mean: finishing college, going to look for a job, getting promoted after a few years, getting married, having kids, having grand kids, and dying.
It's just that there are different issues that I consider when looking for a job, and commiting to it, which I'll enumerate:
1. Attendance / punctuality issues: Yup, I'm the constant tard. I once got fired for a job that required me to go to office at 10 AM, which isn't that early. I went to work at 12 NN or 1 PM. Which leads me to the second factor:
2. Efficiency issues: I've always believed that smart work is waaaaayy better that hard work. Meaning, if you can be smarter and look for faster ways to finish a task, then you'll be more efficient, as opposed to trying to do a task how it should usually be done. I go to work at 12 NN because I believed that going to work at 10 AM is a waste of time because I'm not going to do anything anyway. I'll just sit there, tinker with my things, connect to the internet, chat with my friends, upload photos on my friendster, and wait till a customer shows up. And then I can do my work.
3. Socio-political issues: I hate what's happening to this country! It's really hard for me to work, pay taxes, and realize that the government is just putting everything I've worked so hard for into their pockets. Fine, I see a LOT of improvements, but most come from the private sector. I look at old government buildings, puddles in EDSA, wandering taong grasa, choatic electrical wirings on rotting wooden posts, and I wonder where the taxpayers' money go. It's heart-breaking to realize these things are happening to a country that took me 20 years to appreciate. And so, I would have none of it. I'd rather not work than be a contributor to the President's Social Fund.
4. Intra-personal issues: I'm special. I graduated valedictorian in primary school, and I have been an over-achiever in high school. I am better than call center agents and socialite camwhores. Why? Simply because I am who I am. Yeah right. Maybe I'm just insecure because I'm getting old and I still don't have any credit to my name. I've always thought that I'll be a great leader but everytime I walk out of a 500-mile radius from where I was, I suddenly think, "Hey! There's 6 billion people in the world, and all of them have the same capacity as you are, maybe even better. There are people a lot hotter than you, a lot taller, richer, wiser, bigger, smoother, finer, with bigger feet and a better jawline! So stop it with the ME ME ME!!!...
So this is why I am here at home posting an entry at 3:45 PM instead of making life happen. Let's just hope time doesn't run out for me. That I'm 65-year old and I still flip burgers in Burger King. You see, that's my biggest fear i life: FAILURE. I'm too hard on myself sometimes. You see, I have a lot of issues to deal with. They may not be big, but they are my own.
posted by Rom / Rub according to the barista @ 3:05 PM
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